After all of this time and all of what has happened I still waver back and forth in my feelings for my husband. I have “awoken” so-to-speak to the conclusion that I must leave. If anything, I must leave for my children’s sakes. But, it is not cut and dry, black and white. I am still deeply in love with this man, and feel guilty and foolish for feeling that way. I still feel like his protector, ironically.
Unbeknownst to him I had a meeting today with the divorce attorney [5/25/15 Note: This is not referring to my current attorney]. She advised that I must act quickly and that I must not share everything when I file. This whole time I have wanted to protect him while at the same time protect myself and my children. It just doesn’t work that way. Resolved, I returned home to gather some things while I stay at my moms.
I arrived to him drinking in the backyard. Uncharacteristically, I took a seat next to him and accepted half of a beer. He told me how much he loves me and has always loved me. He started crying and told me how much he just wanted us to be a family and be happy. He received the change of address notice in the mail today letting him know that I have a P.O. box. He knows I will leave soon.
He put his arm around me and kissed me on my head. The sky was beautiful…blue sky with puffy clouds in the background. The yard perfect with the flowers he has planted. His hammock sitting still in the corner of the yard and the fence that he has been working on almost finished. Tears came to my eyes as I felt the immensity of the decisions I am making. Not only am I leaving him, but I am requesting supervised visitation and have to share information with the court that he will not like.
I know that I must share everything when I file for divorce, or risk having my daughter be in a situation that I feel is not safe. However, I know our daughter loves him. And, when he is not drunk and not having mental issues – he is a good guy.
Everyone is so happy for me that I am finally leaving this situation. This situation that they call an abusive situation in which I am the “victim”. When I explain that there are wonderful aspects of him, even though I know I need to leave, they think I am defending him. They don’t understand.
This isn’t easy. This isn’t what I wanted. I know it seems to them like I am breaking the chains of some horrific situation. And, I know I must leave. But, they can’t understand the pain of second-guessing yourself. They can’t understand the fear of moving into the unknown. They can’t understand the love that I still feel for him. More than anything they can’t understand the pain that I feel for what he is about to go through all by himself.
The most lonely part of this is that not only can they not understand, but he will not understand either. They see me breaking free. He see’s me “ruining his life”.
I want to hold him in my arms and tell him that it will be okay. I have to tell myself over and over and over again, “your children are your priority, your children are your priority”. I have no idea why I care so much about him after he has been so cold, callous and destructive to me and my two oldest children.
I love him. And, I need to leave him.